Actually it is PHP.
Zencart uses a bunch of PHP constants to build each page. It also lets you create modified copies of the pages that set those constants. I made a copy of the header.php page and put this PHP code in it so that every time a page loads it randomly selects a phrase to set HEADER_SALES_TEXT to. Zencart then builds the phrase into the page.
switch(rand(1,16))
{
case 1:
define('HEADER_SALES_TEXT', 'Children in starving countries would love the chance to dowload QuipTracks. <br/>Now listen and be happy about it!');
break;
case 2:
define('HEADER_SALES_TEXT', 'Like retreads for movies.');
break;
case 3:
define('HEADER_SALES_TEXT', 'Behold our mighty stockpiles of Smart-Ass!');
break;
case 4:
define('HEADER_SALES_TEXT', 'Leaves hair shiny and more manageable.');
break;
case 5:
define('HEADER_SALES_TEXT', 'Little. Yellow. Different.');
break;
case 6:
define('HEADER_SALES_TEXT', 'Make a -4 saving throw to avoid laughter.');
break;
case 7:
define('HEADER_SALES_TEXT', 'Ask about our painful rectal itch.');
break;
case 8:
define('HEADER_SALES_TEXT', 'Like watching a movie with big-mouthed friends...<br/>but fun!');
break;
case 9:
define('HEADER_SALES_TEXT', 'Funnier than The Ritz Brothers! <br/>(And considerably less dead.)');
break;
case 10:
define('HEADER_SALES_TEXT', 'All bobble-heads must die!');
break;
case 11:
define('HEADER_SALES_TEXT', 'Who is DOD and why did he send us <br/>these nuclear missle triggers?');
break;
case 12:
define('HEADER_SALES_TEXT', 'Graffiti for the brain.');
break;
case 13:
define('HEADER_SALES_TEXT', 'Short bus on the humor highway.');
break;
case 14:
define('HEADER_SALES_TEXT', 'In the cartoon-shaped chewable vitamins of entertainment, <br/>we are the little packet of desiccant. <br/>(You know, that thing that says DO NOT EAT.)');
break;
case 15:
define('HEADER_SALES_TEXT', 'Laugh, damn you, laugh!');
break;
case 16:
define('HEADER_SALES_TEXT', 'All the world is a stage, <br/>and we\'re in the front row <br/>with rotten cabbages and tomatoes.');
break;
}
Note that it would be better to have this read a random phrase from the database but I was in a hurry so I did it this way.
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