Aries is the ram sign. You can generally add more of them to any star system to improve its speed. They are first in the (old) zodiac, as they are first to try new things such as tying one’s destiny to distant balls of incandescent plasma. Aries tend to be spectacularly passionate about their current projects, but lose interest and tend to abandon them mid
As rams, Aries are avid proponents of the pickup line, but tend to only drive people away with them. They are also guaranteed to carry up to 3,125 pounds of baggage after a relationship for twenty years or 100,000 miles, whichever comes first.
- In a marching band, Aries are always the ones with the big horns
- Ram signs walk the fine line between majestic pride and willingness to eat any old junk for a quarter.
- The QuipTracks crew are Aries
- People who order grilled KFC are Aries
- Larry Fine, Larry David, and Larry Wall are Larrys
If you were born between March 21st and April 20th, that’s what you USED to be, but that’s about to change. You probably won’t like shedding your pride and transitioning to your new personality, but that’s OK; it fits the part.
Whoopus, the Banana Peel
Whoopuses are doomed always to hurt the ones closest to them, sending their would-be friends sailing comically onto their rumps with a zany slide whistle sound effect. Leaning on a Whoopus for support is unwise, and treading on them, still unwiser.
Their propensity for causing things to run amok leads many to look down on Whoopuses, but if you are careful not to depend on him or her for anything, they can be great fun to hang out with. If you are feeling rambunctious, set up a Whoopus on a blind date with a Bulbous.
The great tragedy of the banana peel sign is of course that in their youth, they had much to offer others—were even good for them. Now, however, their existence is fruitless. They are washed up clowns that even a chimp wouldn’t love. Pity the Whoopus.
- George Lucas
- M. Night Shyamalan
- 13 (which carries more misfortune inherently than fortune astrologically, resulting in net misfortune)
Good Career Choices for Whoopuses
- Dumpster stuffers