QuipTracks: The Blog

Open on a dignified college campus. Ronald McDonald clown students in full costume and makeup mill about. Some hurry to class carrying piles of books. Others sit on benches doing last minute research on their laptops. Under a tree one Ronald thoughtfully strums a cello as if it were a guitar while several others sitting around him sway their clown heads in rhythm.

Announcer: Every year the McDonalds institute for advanced clowning turns out thousands of the brightest and cheeriest clowns in the world. Most go on to spread joy and happiness throughout the world; skipping on rainbows, adding color to black and white forest scenes, making  various sorts of nuggets dance, that sort of thing.

Cut to the exit of a building as a different kind of Ronald exits. The makeup and clothing are the same, though perhaps a bit less carefully applied, but the attitude is way different. The other clowns give this one extra room as he limps out, leaning heavily on his cane. He sneers at the other Ronalds, disdainful of their inferiority.

Announcer: Then there’s this clown.

Title appears over the action: Ronald McDonald House M.D. (Mirth Doctor)

Cut to McDonalds Play place. Ronald McDonald House has a child tied up with the colorful ribbons that clowns sometimes pull from their mouths. House is wearing giant sunglasses and takes the top off a shake. A magical, glowing, purple swirl swims playfully about his head and into the sky. The child steadfastly refuses to react. The parent try to intervene but are shoved rudely back by the suddenly serious House.

Mother: Please stop! We’ll be late for soccer practice!

Ronald McDonald House: [Ripping off his giant sunglasses] Lady, if you stop this bit your kid will be kicking the bucket, not a soccer ball.

Cut to distinguished office of the head of clowning. Ronald McDonald House is lounging disrespectfully in one of the chairs.

Head of Clowning: House, you and I both know you get results. But the parents…

House: The parents wouldn’t know a custard pie if it hit them in the face.

Head of Clowning: I’m not arguing that point, House. But the parents are the ones that buy the Happy Meals.

House leaps to his overlarge feet.

House: Why are we here? To make kids laugh or to sell burgers?

Head of Clowning: Well, actually…

House: Bah! Save it.

House limps toward the exit, grumbling as he goes.

House: I’m a clown dammit! I make kids laugh.

Cut to a conference room. House and two other clowns are brainstorming a case. He crosses each item off of a list on the whiteboard as he speaks.

House: No smile for making a double arched rainbow. Hamburglar chased by Grimmace – zip.

Clown 1: Did we check for Lupus?

House: Yes. He didn’t laugh at Lupus.

Clown 1: It’s hopeless.

House: It’s not hopeless, it’s hypogigglia.

Clown 2: Hypogigglia? But there hasn’t been a case of that for decades.

Clown 3: If that’s what it is, then it’s out of our hands.

House: Why? There is a cure.

Clown 3: The whoopie cushion?

Clown 2: But we can’t use that, House.

Clown 1: You know Ronalds don’t use those sorts of props.

Clown 3: You can’t do it House. It’s too extreme. It’s not Ronald McDonald material!

Clown 1: Clowning bylaw number 12. No humor that might be construed as a negative effect of McDonald’s food.

House: Don’t give me your rules! They won’t make that kid laugh!

Quick cuts as music builds in tension

Clown 3 bursts into the head of clowning’s office and says: Sir! You’ve got see what House is doing in laugh lab 7!

The head of clowning looking through the two-way mirror: The fool! He’s about to ruin over 40 years of PR!

Clown 3 and the head of clowning run down the hall to get to the laugh lab but find a gigantic padlock holding the door shut. The head of clowning says: If he goes through with this, I won’t be able to save him.

Art card: Ronald McDonald House M.D.

Congratulations to Wes964 for guessing correctly.

It’s finally time! Time to whet your appetites for a new QuipTrack with a contest to identify its target. The rules are simple:

• The movie will have been referenced in the last QuipTrack (The Forgotten, in this case)
• I will post a line from the movie (with our joke about it)
• You may submit only one guess per teaser, but
• Every day, if the movie has not been guessed, we will post another teaser (they will be added to the end of this post and a comment about the addition will be made)
• You may ask any questions about the teasers which will be answered at our discretion in a “yes or no” fashion. (e.g., “Was that Gary Sinse’s voice in that clip?”)
• And of course you can discuss amongst yourselves as much as you like
• The first to correctly guess the movie we are riffing will receive a gift certificate for the amount of the track
• If you somehow know the answer through leaked information of some kind, please do not participate

Teaser #1:
QT 012 Teaser 01

I’ve noticed something in recent months. The number of CGI animals dancing in the “Now Showing” screen of movie trailers is increasing. I for one could not be happier about this because dancing is and always has been a laugh riot. Soon I’m going to be pushing to shut down QuipTracks because, as a company based solely in audio, we are tragically unable to harness the great comedy end-all that is dancing. Oh well. We had a good run. At least we can look forward to all forms of comedy giving way to chipmunks dancing with Brendan Fraser.

This doesn’t mean you won’t be seeing any more of us, however. I have come up with a fantastic concept for the ultimate experience in humor. Basically, you take the sign off of a comedy club and you put it on a dance club. Instantly, you have the absolute funniest place in the entire universe. Once it’s advertised as a place of laughing, people will be able to go in and appreciate people doing the robot for the comedic genius that it is. Nobody will have to think of clever or witty things again!

The human mind is a curious thing. By that I mean that it is curious about other things, although it is also quite curious in the other use of the word. For instance, your mind is likely curious as to the reason for my writing this. Conveniently, I am writing solely to explain that to you.

Not long ago, I began writing a blog post, one with which you are most certainly approximately one third well acquainted. My motivations were unknown even to myself, therefore I set out to reveal them in writing. After reflecting back upon how this whole thing began and understanding no more about my work’s purpose, I realized something. That something is as follows: I have been writing and am currently writing simply to write– to create. Ah, yes. This post is the very essence of what it is to be human!

To feel the need to put something on a blank page, even if it has no point; to take pride in the work of one’s hands, even when it’s rambling garbage; to BS your way through a post only to meet your quota: these are the human condition at it’s core! This work of literature, although it seems like it’s quite dumb, is in actuality a highly ironic meta post that peers deep into souls and inspires those who will let it. VERILY, it is quite possible that this which you are about to finish reading is the single most important three paragraphs in the history of the world!

Rejoice! Our 11th feature-length riff is now available in NTSC format. PAL will be up within a few hours.

Looks more like an Ibex to me. Or maybe the rare two-horned unicorn.

Taurus is the sign of the bull. As such, all Tauruses are strong, tough-minded, and able to lick the insides of their own noses.

Physically, Tauruses are short-ish, stocky and square of build. Famous Tauruses include Cher, David Byrne, Carol Burnette, Jessica Lange, Jerry Seinfeld…Hold on. Something is wrong here. Let me look up the physical shape of Taurus again. Ok, so I just found out that Tauruses are shaped like a donut. Let’s see. Shaped like a donut, Orson Welles is a Taurus, all is right.

Tauruses are rated 28MPG on the highway. They come with Illuminated driver and passenger side vanity mirrors and bucket seats standard. They are known for having suspension problems, but these can usually solved by wearing a jock.

Besides being stubborn and prone to jealousy, Tauruses are possessive. Luckily for all of you Tauruses, that is one personality trait you will not have to change when you become. . .

The true vacuum of space!

Auruk the Cosmic Upright

Auruks are all about acquisition.  They refuse to let anything go. The house of a typical Auruk holds enough junk to fully decorate every Applebee’s in the world and still have enough left over to do all of the Chili’s.

Auruks save ticket stubs from any event they go to. They have candy tins full of the pins that came in dress shirts they bought. They keep the cardboard holders from their Hot Pockets. Any collector of TV Guide is an Auruk.

Auruks are able to pick up a steel bolt without harming themselves. They will then put the bolt in a baby food jar that is screwed to the bottom of one of the many shelves in their garage.

They are also able to lift a bowling ball without sucking any less.

Facts about Auruks

• Auruks Are physically unable to pick up a thread off of berber carpet.
• Dating an Auruk can be off-putting due to their love of attachments.
• Auruks always have outy belly buttons because they don’t come with retractable cords.

Coming March 13th!

You have only until Saturday the 13th to wait for latest QuipTrack. In the meantime, it’s time to guess what it is based on this short clip. Also, remember that we obliquely prognosticated its identity through a reference in the previous riff, Hulk. Without further ado….

Robert Reed correctly guessed (on the Rifftrax board) that our next release is The Forgotten. Since this was technically public knowledge because it was on our news page for a while, he will have to settle for a few Street Credits as a prize. Next time we’ll have a more organized unveiling and the first person to guess it will get it free.

Teaser mp3

Teaser 2 mp3

For a virgin she sure spends a lot of time on her back...

This is Virgo after a recent re-envisioning by H. A. Rey. Even after a makeover she remains a one-eyed female version of that guy from The Scream, that dresses like a librarian from the fifties and has a butt that is literally the size of a galaxy. Is it any wonder that Virgo is The Virgin?

Consistent with the librarian theme, Virgos love order, quiet, and calm.

Virgo’s turn ons include alphabetical lists, storage jars, and furniture from Ikea. Turn offs include mud, train wrecks, and sex.

The entire Bauhaus school of design are Virgos. Anyone that sorts their M&M’s by color before eating them is a Virgo. The German electronica group Kraftwerk are Virgos.

The sign of Virgo rules the intestines, making William H. Taft Super Virgo! Prince Albert was also a Virgo, which may explain what he was always doing in the can.

But enough about Virgos. Say hello to Virgo’s replacement…

Hugo Guy the Blindly Optimistic Rabbit

You can do it!

Hugos always look on the bright side. They are a sure source of positive attitude and unbounded optimism. No matter what the situation, a Hugo expects the best to happen. In other words they completely lack the skills necessary to make accurate predictions.

The contestants on Family Feud that clap and say “Good answer” no matter how inane, bizarre, or ludicrous the answer is are Hugos. Most state budget planners are Hugos. The movie Howard the Duck was backed entirely by Hugos.

There is no doubt that Hugos are adorable—in much the same way that a kitten taking on a Doberman is adorable—but they can also be dangerous. For instance, if a Hugo realizes they are about out of gas they will never turn back to fill up. They will instead focus on thinking good thoughts and try to make it to the next gas station. This can have dire consequences if a Hugo becomes a sea captain.

Never trust estimates made by Hugos.

Never get on a plane designed by a Hugo.

Good Career Choices for Hugos

• Cheerleaders
• Clergy
• Supply-side economists

Bad Career Choices for Hugos

• Sky-Diving instructors
• Triage paramedics

Lucky Numbers

All. Hugos make their own luck.

Fun Facts About Hugos

• 80% of Hugos have a copy of The Secret on their person somewhere.
• 75% of Hugos had a childhood dog that they believe was taken away to a big farm where he is still chasing rabbits and having fun.
• 100% of Hugos die terrified and alone.

Gemini the doubleLAME twins

Gemini, the “twins”.

Twins? Where do they get that these guys are twins? The guy on the left looks like a cowboy dancing. The guy on the right looks like a giraffe-man with toilet paper trailing from his shoe. Why would they necessarily be twins?

Anyway, however they decided these two were twins, Geminis are supposed to be schizophrenic with at least two and often as many as three hundred different personalities.

Geminis can’t make up their minds on the simplest matters. You know how in movie car-chase scenes there is always some shmo that is almost to the other side of the street but then changes his mind and runs back across the path of the oncoming car? That person is always a Gemini.

The only person ever to demand that their appendix be put back was a Gemini. Ross Perot is a Gemini. All people who change their sex are Geminis. Not to mention the twins from Full House.

[That's Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. -Tristan]

[I SAID NOT TO MENTION THEM! -Kevin]

So much suffering, and all because some Babylonian could see nothing better in that star grouping than two lame stick-figures holding hands.

Well QuipTracks is here to correct old Malachuk’s lack of vision. Behold the new face of Gemini:

Bulbous the Overweight Graduate. Smart and living Large!

Bulbous the overweight graduate!

Bulbouses have voracious appetites not only for food but knowledge as well. You name it and a Bulbous will know not only something about it but also how it tastes in a chocolate sauce.

They often wear a graduation cap to show their great knowledge and a graduation gown because pants make their thighs chaff.

If you want to know Peter Parker’s shoe size or who makes the best onion rings in town, you need look no further than the nearest Bulbous.

Good Career Choices for Bulbouses

• Professional book eater
• Human surrogate for hatching ostrich eggs
• Comic book store owner

Bad Career Choices for Bulbouses

• Jocky

Facts about Bulbouses

• All Bulbouses can eat two 5-pound burritos at a sitting.
• All Bulbouses know how to spell the word “chartreuse”.
• No Bulbous can do a pushup without becoming high-centered.
• Bulbouses are heavily influenced by the Moon. Er, make that Moon Pies.
• Bulbouses are compatible with air signs and nougat signs.
• Bulbouses are the only QuipTrack Zodiac sign that is able to put their entire fist in their own mouth.