QuipTracks Zodiac Replacement Program: Aries

The Aries Constellation

Aries, being inspected for worms at the vet

Aries is the ram sign. You can generally add more of them to any star system to improve its speed. They are first in the (old) zodiac, as they are first to try new things such as tying one’s destiny to distant balls of incandescent plasma. Aries tend to be spectacularly passionate about their current projects, but lose interest and tend to abandon them mid

As rams, Aries are avid proponents of the pickup line, but tend to only drive people away with them. They are also guaranteed to carry up to 3,125 pounds of baggage after a relationship for twenty years or 100,000 miles, whichever comes first.

  • In a marching band, Aries are always the ones with the big horns
  • Ram signs walk the fine line between majestic pride and willingness to eat any old junk for a quarter.
  • The QuipTracks crew are Aries
  • People who order grilled KFC are Aries
  • Larry Fine, Larry David, and Larry Wall are Larrys

If you were born between March 21st and April 20th, that’s what you USED to be, but that’s about to change. You probably won’t like shedding your pride and transitioning to your new personality, but that’s OK; it fits the part.

Whoopus, the Banana Peel

The Whoopus Banana Peel Constellation

Banana peel of the gods.

Whoopuses are doomed always to hurt the ones closest to them, sending their would-be friends sailing comically onto their rumps with a zany slide whistle sound effect. Leaning on a Whoopus for support is unwise, and treading on them, still unwiser.

Their propensity for causing things to run amok leads many to look down on Whoopuses, but if you are careful not to depend on him or her for anything, they can be great fun to hang out with. If you are feeling rambunctious, set up a Whoopus on a blind date with a Bulbous.

The great tragedy of the banana peel sign is of course that in their youth, they had much to offer others—were even good for them. Now, however, their existence is fruitless. They are washed up clowns that even a chimp wouldn’t love. Pity the Whoopus.

Notable Whoopuses

  • George Lucas
  • M. Night Shyamalan

Lucky Numbers

  • 1-800-273-8255
  • 13 (which carries more misfortune inherently than fortune astrologically, resulting in net misfortune)

Good Career Choices for Whoopuses

  • Dumpster stuffers
Posted in -Tracy, -Tristan, QuipTracks Zodiac | Leave a comment

QuipTracks Zodiac Replacement Program: Sagittarius

The Sagittarius Constellation

He looks a little drunk, but I think his bow is made out of a twig and loose twine, so we should be safe.

Sagittarius is the centaur archer.

Being half man half horse makes it one of the four mutable signs, much like the trumpet, tombone, bugle, and floogle horn would be if they were signs. It also means that Sagittariuses often look good from the front but have trouble turning around on an elevator without knocking over small children.

As for the their personalities let’s just say that Ted Bundy and Tyra Banks are both Sagittarius, so we don’t even want to go there.

Instead, let’s put the whole lot of them out to pasture and usher in the QuipTracks replacement.

Skree, the Bardic Raptor

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Skree never appears in the same spot in the sky twice; she remembers! Clever girl!

Skree are the fun-loving, jovial, pack hunters of the world. A Skree can be recognized by the unusually long and sharp nails of their big toes which they can use to pick out Dueling Banjos on the guitar, or to open tin cans. Most Skree have musical talent, though a few are rappers. They are also quite cunning. One may be singing a cappella, and that’s when the accompaniment kicks in—from the two Skree you didn’t even know were there.

Skree are naturally attracted to any of the meat signs and naturally fearful of all gymnasts.

Turn ons

  • Softly singing in their ear
  • The sound of an orchestra tuning up
  • Cattle lowered into their pit on a winch

Turn offs

  • Rebecca Black
  • DJs
  • Calling them 6 foot turkeys

Famous Skree include:

  • Steven Spielberg
  • Ozzy Osborn
  • Frank Zappa
  • Miley Cyrus
  • Keith Richards
  • Amy Grant
  • Jim Morrison
  • Winston Churchill (Who it is rumored played a mean Indian nose-flute)
Posted in -Kevin, -Tristan, QuipTracks Zodiac | Leave a comment

In Memory of Thomas Whatshisface

I once knew a truly remarkable man, although it took a great deal of time to discover that he was anything worth a remark. I first met him at a swanky party for comedians because I am a notable comedian and not a hack at all. He, however, gave the immediate impression of a hack. At a party for funny people, his apathetic demeanor stuck out like a sore thumb. Wondering if perhaps he had wandered into the wrong estate or was maybe a relative of somebody else, I struck up a conversation. We introduced ourselves and I asked what he did for a living.

“I’m a comedian,” he replied with a straight face.

I gave him a quizzical look. “Say something funny.”

He chuckled insincerely. “I’m not that kind of comedian.”

I thought maybe it was a joke and I smiled a little, scrutinizing his face for a hint of his intentions. I quickly realized he was not being funny, and my half-smirk faded. I awkwardly wandered off and tried to socialize, but my thoughts were tied up trying to unravel the mystery of the strange man.

Days later, he added me on Google Plus. Initially, I didn’t recognize him, so completely devoid of personality or character was his face, but I added him back to be polite. His posts popped up in my stream often, but they never strove to entertain. His comments were utilitarian, never humorous, but were always prefaced by “As a comedian…” He shared articles about accounting techniques and stock market fluctuation without a word of commentary. His profile listed his professions: comedian and vacuum salesman.

One day, he posted the following:

“As a comedian, today I was startled to see that several high-profile stocks took an unexpected dive. Fortunately, my portfolio is sufficiently diverse.”

Flummoxed and frustrated by a long day writing real comedy, I left a comment. “You are without a doubt the worst comedian I’ve ever heard of.”

He didn’t reply. A real man of comedy would have posted an image macro of Captain Jack Sparrow with the words “But you have heard of me.” Not this clown. No, even clowns are funnier than this guy.

That day, I gave up trying to understand and moved on with my life. Everybody I knew felt the same way. Many in my circle kept in contact with the fellow, but only for his business connections and for networking purposes. Nobody knew why he insisted that he was a comedian.

Last Thursday, I got a call from a friend saying that the strange man had suffered a stroke and had died. The funeral was to be held the next day. Per the man’s written instructions, the funeral would be a plain, open-casket affair, but there would be free sandwiches, so I went.

The morning of the event was suitably overcast. A dull day for a dull man. As a corpse, he was even less remarkable than in life, his expression blank and his face completely forgettable. I went up to the casket to pay my respects twice, forgetting I had already done so. The only sadness I or anybody else may have felt was due to the faint disappointment that we would never understand him. The puzzle of the unfunny funnyman would be lowered into the ground unsolved.

Once the crowd had settled into their seats, the pastor began the eulogy. I could tell from my pew that he was struggling to come up with something to say. After a few seconds, he shook his head and began.

“It’s funny…” he started uncertainly. “Thomas always said he was a comedian, but I don’t think anybody here, or anywhere for that matter, actually ever heard him tell a joke. I don’t think he made the world even a little bit brighter… for anybody” He paused for a forced cough, perhaps regretting pointing out the elephant in the room.

In that silence, I suddenly understood. “The pastor is absolutely right,” I blurted out, eyes wide. “It IS funny.” I started to laugh a little. “It’s REALLY funny!”

The people next to me chuckled a little, and the people next to them started to chuckle. Then an older fellow at the end of the aisle snorted loudly with laughter, and the whole room erupted into uproarious guffaws and sounds of jubilee. It was the funniest thing anybody there had ever or ever would experience. The joke of a lifetime… literally.

Thomas whatshisface was truly a glorious man. A man who could truly commit to the bit. A martyr for the art of comedy. An inspiration to us all.

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QuipTrack #20 Teaser Contest

David has won! It’s Paycheck. Paycheck was the correct answer.

It’s that time again! Time to get excited for a new QuipTrack with a contest. You just have to guess the movie!

The contest will begin at 6pm PDT (that’s 7pm MDT, 8pm CDT, and 9pm EDT; here’s a handy time zone map for all you non-’muricans) tomorrow, Tuesday the 12th, right here in this post.

The rules are simple:

• We will post a clip from the movie/QuipTrack (we may also use visual clues)
• You may submit only one guess per teaser, but
• Every 10 minutes, if the movie has not been guessed, we will post another teaser (they will be added to the end of this post and a comment about the addition will be made)
• The new movie will have been referenced in the previous QuipTrack (#019, Abduction)
• You may ask any questions about the teasers which will be answered at our discretion in a “yes or no” fashion. (e.g., “Was that Gary Sinise’s voice in that clip?”)
• And of course you can discuss amongst yourselves as much as you like
• The first to correctly guess the movie we are riffing will receive a gift certificate for the amount of the track (please include your email when you post a comment)
• If you somehow know the answer through leaked information of some kind, please do not participate

First Clue:
QT#20

Second Clue:
teaser01

Third Clue:
teaser02

Fourth Clue:
teaser03

Final Clue:
teaser04

Okay Fine One More:
teaser05

Good luck!

Posted in Announcements, Contests | 5 Comments

Makes ya think…

Before you judge somebody, first walk a mile in their pants.

Posted in -Tracy, Comics | Tagged , , | 3 Comments

Dozens of Foodies Fleeing the Fandom

When Ohio man Sam Keisner (27) began his foray into the world of food-enjoying, he says the scene was very different than today.

“It used to be about the food, you know?” Keisner says. “But now the whole fandom’s lost perspective.” The sub-culture of people who eat food is known as “foodies,” but that’s not a label Keisner wants for himself any longer. Keisner claims the fanbase has become inescapable. “On the internet, foodies are in every forum topic, spamming spam or posting bacon. This fandom is obsessed with bacon.” Bacon, initially a meat-processing error, was never supposed to be as popular as it is, but now due to its popularity in the fandom, the makers of the food are incorporating bacon into more products. “It’s fan pandering, plain as that.”

A search for “Food Blog” yields 1,160,000,000 results on Google. Keisner says these blogs, which are usually nothing more than pictures of food the blogger has eaten that day, show off the worst of the fandom. “It’s called ‘flogging,’ and it is nothing short of an abomination,” he bellows, foaming at the mouth.

But as passionate and angry as foodies like Keisner are, leaving the fandom still won’t be easy. “It’s been a huge part of my life for as long as I can remember,” Keisner says, wiping away a tear. “I’ll still eat food, but I’m so done with this fandom.” Other disillusioned foodies we talked to were a bit more extreme.

“Floggers ruined food for me,” explained Minnesota teen Ben Lyons. “I’m just walking away from all of it. The food itself has really gone downhill with the most recent season [winter].” Lyons says that, even for him, it will be a tough transition. “I’ve been in the foodie culture so deep, sometimes I’ve wondered if I could even live without eating.”

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A shiny new era is tumbling nearer

Soo, we’re sick of our blog collecting dust all year until the annual Remodel-A-Thon, so we’re moving towards a more Tumblr-y approach, meaning we’ll be posting more small things. A gif here, an anecdote there, a weak reference to the Lion King for no reason up there… It won’t be EXACTLY like your average Tumblr because 1) we won’t completely abandon the idea of larger posts or features and 2) the content will actually be made by us and not merely the latest in an untraceable lineage of reposts. So enjoy our newest attempt to entertain you, you insatiable, fun-hungry bastards.

Here’s Triumph the insult comic cat to drive the concept home:

Posted in -Tracy, Announcements, Non-sequitur | 1 Comment

If it doesn’t have a bowstring it confuses him.

What's that? A table leg? Ya, I knew that.

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Christmas Day – The End

Posted in -Tracy, Remodel-a-Thon 2012 | Leave a comment

Christmas Eve – The Punometer Core

It’s crunch time. John Malkovich has finally toppled the Eiffel Tower (that’s just Eiffel!), and he’s heading this way. We’ve been scrambling to assemble the power source that we need to finally fight back. Some will remember that during recording of Van Helsing, we were forced to use a Punometer to monitor us for excessive puns…which was destroyed because we made too many puns. Well, we rebuilt it so that it now “feeds” on puns, drawing energy from wordplay.

We have to keep this out of the wrong hands. I can't stand the thought of it being weap-pun-ized.

We hope that this will not only help us win the fight against Malkovich, but help the world as well by providing a clean, efficient energy source. With that in mind, we also worked up a concept for a mascot that we could use to help sell the technology: The Clean Energy Saurus. This part isn’t strictly necessary, but it also helps power the thing, so it wasn’t a waste of time either.

Anyway, it was generating a pun of power, but even with Cody shoveling puns into it, we didn’t have enough. We could hear the footfalls of Malkovich getting closer…then we heard something else approaching—a buzzing… The blue glow of the punometer core had attracted Fly Pennington! The core glowed brighter as he neared it, and we all fled the room. It was pretty obvious where this was going.

He's Fry Punnington now! ...I took no pleasure in that.

The resulting power surge put us a little bit beyond maximum capacity, and the entire building began to shift…

Posted in -Tristan, Remodel-a-Thon 2012 | Leave a comment